Mommy, are you sick?

“Mommy, are you sick?” That is what my son asked me about two months ago. “No, Grant, mommy just wants to have a baby.” Yep, that’s right. I am admitting it. I have secondary infertility. I have only recently told my close friends and family. I really had no idea that it would take me so long to get pregnant. It was so fast and easy with getting pregnant with Grant. What is wrong with me? I have no idea, my doctor has no idea. Tests come back normal. I do have a bleeding problem. “Hi, my name is Heather and I have bleeding problem. It started about 18 months ago and it has only gotten worse. I bleed most of the month. I bleed before my period, after my period, before ovulation, after ovulation, pretty much all the time.” What causes my bleeding problem? I have no freaking idea.

So why did I keep this to myself? Mostly, I just didn’t want everyone’s advice.

• stop trying, you’ll get pregnant
• adopt, there are so many babies out there – yep, and there are tons of couples on waiting lists to pay $15,000 to $20,000 to get a healthy baby. I am not that person to adopt a special needs child. I know my limitations.
• don’t exercise so much, tried it- is not working
• gain weight -well I was a lot smaller when I got pregnant with Grant
• have sex – oh, come on, are you serious? Is that all it takes?
• Etc. etc.– please, unless, you really know something, don’t give me advice,I have read everything you can think of, I have asked every question, unless you find out something new, I have already heard of it, tried it, etc.

So you want to know what I have been through to get this point…

• Progesterone – this is a horrible drug – it makes you feel sluggish, bloated, feel pregnant – It makes my sister so sick that she throws up her pill immediately – the one good thing about this drug is that it keeps me from bleeding from ovulation until my period. I hate it more than anything because it requires me figure out when I am ovulating which requires me to decipher an opk test ( you have to look at the two lines everyday – it is positive when the test line is darker than control line, this is harder than it sounds, is it darker? or not?) . I also hate paying for this test – about $15 per month. Taking progesterone also requires me to take a pregnancy test so I know that I can stop taking it. I hate this too. I know I am not pregnant; I don’t want to take a test to rub it in my face!

• Clomid – if progesterone is horrible, Clomid is pure HELL! The first time I took it. I was walking around in my neighborhood. I causally ask my neighbor how she wound up with triplets. “Clomid babies” Ugh! That scared the crap out of me! I didn’t sleep all night. The next day, I had sweats and anxiety. I took out my pharmacy sheet and sure enough they were symptoms of clomid and 1/10 pregnancies ended up in twins. I stopped taking them then! Two months later, I tried it again because I obviously needed something. I finished the month with a cyst.

• On to Femara- this drug works like Clomid but has less chance of multiples and symptoms! That sounds like the drug for me. The first month I took it, I ended up with a cyst about the size of a golf ball. The second month I took it, it grew to be as big as a baseball.

• Uterine biopsy and blood tests - I have had a biopsy done to rule out cancer since I do have the bleeding all the time. I have had numerous blood tests to check my hormones. Everything looks normal.

• Ultrasounds - I have now had 8 ultrasounds looking for fibroids, cysts, and anything else that could be causing me problems. These aren’t the ultrasounds that you see on TV with the transducer over the belly. These are stirrups and wand ultrasounds. Humiliating!

• The latest… two Fridays ago, I went to the hospital to get an HSG. This is an X-ray to see if your tubes are open. Dye is inserted in your uterus and you look to see if you have spillage through the fallopian tubes. The radiologist said it appeared I was blocked but then with a little more pressure and more dye, we achieved spillage.

• Also, I have tried herbal treatments and acupuncture.

• Now, I am just waiting until my next appointment to see if what my next course of action is.

I am getting tired of the doctor’s appointments. I do want a baby but this is all starting to get to me. I have come to appreciate what a miracle pregnancy is. I really did not understand what my sister and my friends went through to get pregnant. I will never ask a couple “do you want kids?” For some, trying to conceive is personal and you never know if someone is having difficulty. Please understand that for the most part and when the drugs are not making me act crazy, I am very happy. I am very lucky to have my family. There are many people who don’t even have this.