Can you have postpartum before you have the baby? I sure do feel like it. OK, I admit it I am in a funk that I am trying my best to get out of it. I am tired of crying and feeling anxious. I have no idea why I feel this way...yes, life seems to be tough for me right now but for others, it is much tougher... I am one of the lucky ones right now. So what is wrong with me??? I have no idea but I will say that everything makes me sad or worried.
It makes me sad that I am not even attempting to figure out a name for the baby.
It makes me sad that hubby is not affectionate (I am sure nothing has changed probably in my head).
It makes me mad when someone who hasn't had children tell me how I should handle my son when I tell them something he did. I am then mad at myself for even telling them about it. Ever notice how everyone was so perfect when they were children. I don't remember being perfect... I remember time outs, spankings, etc.
It makes me mad/sad when a coworker tells me how to do my job and tells me that I probably won't make it through the layoffs.
It makes me sad that I found out the gender of this baby without my family being there. It took me some time to tell Daniel. I thought about keeping it from him so we could go together to find out.
I tell you for some reason, I feel so alone right now. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I am trying my best to get out this depression and make myself talk to people.
My life is blessed. I know this. I have a great husband, a healthy kid, and I am pg again after years of trying. My friends rock and have been trying to help me out with meals and surprise treats. I just need to get happy. I promise I am working on this... I am going to do my best to stay so busy.
And as I write this my husband calls me from Cleveland to tell me that someone forgot to take off the tow bar before his airplane taxied and the gear got damaged. So instead of him getting home at 7:30 pm, it will be after 11 pm.
2 comments:
It is called ANTE-Partum depression... no its not you feeling sorry for yourself, it is a real thing. Just like post-partum. I had all the same things with my second pregnancy and was shocked to learn that it actually occurs quite frequently in second pregnancies. I was so angry that my husband didn't seem to care about the pregnancy or how I felt or the babies... at least not like he did during our first pregnancy. The day he told me that he actually hoped the babies would need to spend time in the NICU so that I could be recovered before they came home and he could sleep made me livid... Unfortunately though, no one screens for ante-partum depression. Maybe because docs don't like to give meds during pregnancy, maybe its something else, but it is real. To avoid medication you need to rely on your usual supports, whether that is a close friend (other than hubby since he may not understand), me, this journal... whatever you need to get your thoughts and feelings out... if it starts to disrupt your life, making you not get up and do your normal daily routines, then you need to discuss medication with your doctor. There are some anti-depressants that are still considered "safe" with pregnancy. So please don't hesitate if this something you feel that you need. Sorry for the lecture... but your feelings are real, and I have issues with the fact that this is ignored while EVERYONE asks about your "blues"...
Oh Heather, sorry you are feeling down :( Would you feel comfortable taking medication if your doctor prescribed some? I know I wouldn't, it would make me more anxious. I can barely manage to take a Tums when I have heartburn. What about talking to hubby about it? I think that's what I would try first. That and blogging about it. Getting it all out there, out of me, helps me a lot. {{{HUGS}}}
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